You don't have to struggle alone
Depression and Hopelessness
I find myself crying every day. I feel as if I am not living. I feel sad most of the time. I struggle to get going. It’s hard for me to connect with others because I think that no one wants to be around someone that might bring them down.
My thoughts betray me and I often think I betray myself—self sabotage is what I call it. I find myself thinking that I am a failure and I have let down everyone close to me. I am just not happy… being me. I find that what is going on in my mind shows up in my body through aches, pains, and sickness.
As much as it hurts, I struggle with asking for help. I struggle admitting I am afraid. But what makes me more afraid is that I cannot continue to live in this darkness.
I am past the point of wanting change… I NEED IT.
Anxiety and Self Confidence
Unreasonable expectations make me anxious, nervous on the verge of panic most days. I am stressed, anxious and most times very overwhelmed. I feel like I am not good enough. I strive to be the best-perfect even.
The pressure to perform and make everyone like me is so heavy and draining. But I cannot stop thinking this way. I am afraid to have others think less of me. This fear keeps me up at night with worry about letting others down.
When it comes to family and friends I just cannot say “NO”. I’m the one everyone comes to, but when I’m in need there is no one there for me. See, I have worked so hard to convince myself and the world that I am the strong one. There is something inside or me screaming for help, screaming for relief, screaming for rest, and screaming for peace.
But no one is listening.
Grief and Loss
I feel so empty. Often it seems as if a part of me is gone. It is so hard… missing them, not hearing them or being able to see them again. My days are spent trying not to think about them but the thoughts invade my mind and seem to occupy my whole being.
Thoughts of what I or others could have done differently or better fills my head. I feel guilty. I am angry. My nights are filled with tears of sadness and deep longings to see them again. My head hurts. My heart hurts.
Grief – loss of people, relationships, jobs, homes and/or income. It all hurts. People tell me that this pandemic will pass. But when? I have lost so much. People tell me that it will take time. But how long will this pain last? Others tell me to just get over it. I find that most days I cannot get over, under or around it.
I guess this means I must go through it, but how?
Relationships and Family
My feelings do not matter. Don’t talk to me like I am a child! I am a grown-up! It is all about them. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. Why do I have to do all of the changing? Why am I made to feel like it is always my fault? I am fighting to hold on to my identity, my purpose, my relationship, my family.
I feel like I am fighting all by myself. My needs go unmet, my concerns unheard, my advice disrespected and unheeded. I keep looking for signs of promised change… but nothing. Every conversation leads to an argument. Where did we go wrong? There is no peace, no trust, no hope. Where did the love go? Can we love again?